GLITTER GIRLS SHIT COBBLESTONE...PART 2

Things that I have been able to do since we've been in Amsterdam...That I TRULY (like if I were honest with myself)  did not take the time to do before...

There have been many, many insights I've had since we have arrived in Amsterdam...That awesome moment I feel...Huh I would have bulldozed through that before...Yet here I am taking a pause & giving it all room to breathe...

This whole home schooling thing has really been teaching ME how to be a better MaMa...And better human in general.  Not sending them off to school in a hectic schedule, then picking them up at 3:45 to shuttle them to various lessons...Only to come home exhausted to a dirty house from that morning...Or well from a long, long time of putting things off...Called since we moved in 10 years ago...

I actually made my bed this morning...I KNOW!!!! I don't think I've ever...Maybe seriously ever made my bed before.  Not only that I clean up the dishes pretty much as they are made.  It all very much makes a caring perfect rhythm sense.  Actually having time to tend to things as they arise.  To actually have resources and energy to be able to care for my family.  I am seriously delighted and PSYCHED! But that's not the awesome part...There's more... Relieved huh?

Now I've never...ever been that mom that shows up with muffins & organic apples ad homemade granola...I just could never get myself together to be that mom...I've always done really cool, fun things with and for my kids...Yet not snacks. There were many days that I'd forget a snack for my kids after school...Before hours and hours of dance classes...I know! Shitty right...Yet true...I just forgot or was too busy going to dance class myself...So I ended up buying them Doritos in the Dance Dimensions hallway...Or I'd pick up the smoked almonds at Target & call it a good day...Here I get to think of the details of what, when & how much they put into their bodies.  I have time to notice that I think Ara is eating a little emotionally right now...Due to missing her friends...And rather than let her go down that very unskilful path...Figure ways to help her process her emotions. Rather than being the exhausted, irritated martyr...I actually enjoy caring for them.  Stuart too...

I told Stuart how much I loved caring for all of us right now.  Yet then I pointed out the cool thing though is I see a transition coming up here. I will be teaching the girls how to make food for themselves and clean up after themselves...TO BE ABLE TO BE RESPONSIBLE AWESOME HUMANS...And let me be clear...My little girls are going to be BAD ASS culinary chefs...DUH I theoretically knew all this was good...Just was always too busy having a fun wayyyyyyyyyyy too busy life.

Along the same lines...I used to ignore bickering between my girls...Which in retrospect is not very much.  Yet still exists & is annoying.  I now have time to meet their emotional little selves with where they are and what they need.  Now I'm not the typical Boulder parent...I can be quick to say "KNOCK IT OFF"...Yet here I am WAY LESS reactive...Well HUH...As I write this...Maybe it was me who screamed at them walking out of the house this morning to "quit fucking fighting"...YES...I am a F BOMB dropper...I cannot tell a lie...Sorry MOM. But yes it did come out of my mouth...Yet then I had a walk down the cobblestone to compose myself and act appropriately.  I can then talk to my girls about who they really are...The amazing giant souls they really are...And then we talk pro actively about how we can be AMAZING, RESPONSIBLE & SKILLFUL...As opposed to our small self acting all wild like...WE all are learning this lesson...Old & young...

As far as actual homeschooling goes...I personally had a horrendously hard time learning when I was younger.  I was lost most the time & it was painful & embarrassing.  Thankfully when I got older I took learning into my own hands & eventually received 2 master's degrees with 4.0's  BOOM... What was the difference? I found what was meaningful to me...Every night we read from a children's history book called A Child's History of he World by Virgil M. Hillyer.  We started way back with the big boom, cave men, then the stone age to the iron age, the Nile river, hieroglyphics, governments...We are now talking about the Rosetta Stone...I read to the girls over candlelight...Then they color what was important to them from the story.  We have a lot of drawings with cave girls in tu-tu's...We then have lengthy discussions of how and why the world and humans evolved...So instead of a lot of facts fragmented in their brain, whizzing around without congruency...They are embodying human beings and their lives...And that is so very beautiful & meaningful.  I as well am learning...I feel like we are all filling in a foundation of knowledge to build from... Making all these facts true to the heart. Creating curiosity and care for the human soul...And what's possible...

Every night we have Sleepy Time Tea together.  Truly this is the highlight of every ones day. Sleepy time tea, candles, warmth, attention, stories of the day & every ones Top 5 favorites.  At Shambhala Family Camp we spoke of BELONGING...The fundamental importance of it for the human soul...Regardless of age... This is our BELONGING HOUR...Feeling so connected & loved.

So being a development psychology junkie...Simply adoring process and human rawness...Extremely curious to personal and family growth potential...I always go back to my FAV...  Winnicott and the Good Enough Parent...Am I a perfect MaMa...UHHHHH HELL NO...As mentioned before I drop the F word like no body's business, I'm moody & reactive, I'm a bit haphazard...That being said...I actually really love myself...Think all the above mentioned is quirky, funny & charming...AND...SO VERY MUCH of where I come from is LOVE...My children are told they are loved a million times a day...They say it back freely and fully. We are in the transition of all becoming a bit more independent in the world.  In terms of emotional refuelling...My children (and now husband-thank goodness-sorry about the time lapse Stuart)...KNOW CELLULAR LY that I am an ocean of LOVE TO FALL BACK INTO AND DRINK FROM...HERE'S TO LOVE. I guess what's also lovely to point out is...I'm also here for myself to fall back into.  A big gift here is that when i spin out...Which I do...I have a calming atmosphere in which to find myself...Whether it be my meditation cushion, the cobblestone beneath my feet, a hug...Or my happy hour beer while the kids feed the ducks...I can count on me.

Stuart left for London yesterday. I as worried that I might feel isolated and fearful.  Although I miss him dearly...Funny it would have been my old habit to write "WE"...Yet I take a step back...Differentiate us as merely a big "family lump" which is not sexy in the least...And say deliberately...I MISS MY HUSBAND...Not even my husband...I MISS STUART...

Here's to the complexity and beauty of LOVE & RELATIONSHIP...

NUTS & BOLTS OF GOODNESS...Actually having time and desire to hand sew my children's stuffed animals. To actually more often than not actually look at and ooh and ahh over my children's drawings. To make beautiful caring snacks and meals.  To hug my husband...Like REALLY HUG HIM...Like how I hug my kids hug him...To take many, many walks.  To be patient enough to actually let all of us find peace & quiet.  To get a band aid and kiss the boo boo rather than dismiss it.  TO SIMPLY ENJOY. To rest in what's important.  

It's kind of weird to be so very peacefully immersed in my world right here...When my home of Boulder is in crisis mode.  So while I hold Boulder & the pain in my heart close...I love and feel gratitude for my here and now...BOULDER MY HEART IS WITH YOU...WHAT A CRAZY WORLD WE LIVE IN...

MUCH LOVE GLITTER GIRLS HIT COBBLESTONE PEACE OUT